If There Was Another Road for Me

Posted by lei on July 23, 2013. Filed under:

"I looked up and saw the sky was pretty. At that moment, everything seemed perfect..even though my life right now is full of uncertainties."

Written above is something I have just twitted, and boy I sounded so serious. For a moment, I forgot that serious posts should not be in twitter, cos serious posts belong here --here, in this tiny space in blogosphere, where melodramatic bloggers seek solace. Here, where deep feelings can be spilled without anyone giving a shit. Twitter is nice for those "right now" moments..but nothing can beat blogger when a person want to say something that couldn't be contained in 140 characters. Since I'm wordy when I'm mad, or whenever my somewhat serious side appears, Blogger is a sweet haven for me. This is one of the places where I contemplate about life, and I'm just glad a space like this exists.

Earlier, it was my day off from work and I just went with the usual hang out session with friends. But today is special: today I looked up the sky and appreciated how pretty it is.

Not that I don't usually look up, I do, but there's something about the sky that pinch my heart whenever I have something serious going on. I tend to see it in a different way whenever I have problems, or when I'm genuinely happy. There's something about it that is somewhat comforting; is it the color? the shape of the clouds? I'm not entirely sure, but it calms me and  the happy moments I have had experienced flash right before my eyes. Weird. Or maybe it is me who is weird.

My friends and I bought that 99cents ice cream at McDonalds and eaten it as we go back where we parked our cars. The chocolate dip smeared on the corners of our mouths and around our lips, and we couldn't help but to make fun of ourselves. I swear, we were 5 year olds trapped in 20-something bodies. 

The moment was so light and refreshing that I couldn't help but to think "Thanks God, really. This is perfect. " And of course, I always find myself smiling like an idiot in simple tranquil moments like this. I then looked up and saw how beautiful the sky was. Deep blue, it was also special cos it somehow invoked a memory deeply seated in my heart: a memory of me playing on the streets of Manila late in the afternoon. I briefly saw my younger self, soaked in sweats from playing all kinds of sports outside with my fellow neighborhood friends. Simply put, I remembered the Philippines. I remembered my happy childhood.

Then I saw how I live my life today.

I do not complain about how my life is going, but I am somehow sad by the fact that it is full of uncertainties. It's like I'm playing a chess game: I have to wait for my opponent's move before I could even move or do something. And the thing is, it's like I'm also always running out of time. I feel like whenever I set myself to something, like a goal, roadblocks come scattered across my way. Well of course, duh, everyone experiences it, but I just fell like why my obstacles are always something that I couldn't control? Or maybe I could if I just tried even harder, but even though I did, I still ended up waiting for something pending. All I want is to find myself and see my future self five or ten years from now, but I can't. Is this road really for me? I do not know. Or maybe I'm chasing for something that is not for me.

I feel happy whenever I see people doing something they are passionate about, and even happier when they excel at it and are one step closer to their dreams. I have this friend I met in college who is now an intern in a big news tv station and I couldn't be any happier for him. He really inspires me on so many levels, and when I saw his charismatic face on the TV, all I felt was pure bliss. One day I'll find my niche and do something I want to do too. I'll make sure that I'm damn successful at it too.

During my elementary days, whenever someone asked me, "what do you want to be?" I was quick to answer that I wanted to be a manager. I did not know the reason why but I just wanted to be a manager like my dad. When I got in high school, my dad became a Vice President of an insurance company, but instead of saying, "Oh, I want to be like him too!" I became uncertain. Does it mean I do not care about positions? Maybe. Funny though, wanting to be a high school teacher, like my mom, never crossed my mind. It just never appealed to me.

Things that appeal to me involve something where I come into contact with a lot of different people (not the younginnssss, although I can somehow tolerate them), but I'm more into having conversations with people whose age is not too far with mine. Or if it's far, I prefer those old folks with lots of experience and stories to be told. I love small talks, getting to know people within a short span of time, and feeling fulfilled whenever I get instant connection with them. I'm not really an extrovert, or popular, but I love meeting different kinds of people. 

Yes, I do not see myself ten years from now, but all I ask God is to guide me where I should be. Since He brought me here, He probably has cool plans to begin with. Or if there was another path for me, I wish it was a path where I travel around the world, meet and make friends with a lot of people, and be an awesome person anyone can easily approach. Or if that's too much to wish for, just at least make me realize what I'm passionate about and let me excel at it. Like big time. Cos I've been practicing signing my name prettily since I was in 5 or so, and a day shall come when my signature is called an autograph. 

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