Everything Has Changed
Posted by lei on April 25, 2014. Filed under: Friends, Personal
Change.
It's amazing how much can change within a year. Even though I am still here standing, here at the exact place where I once stood a year ago, every little thing around me definitely has changed. The people and the environment; all of these are not the same anymore. Funny how long it took me before I realized that the pieces do not fit anymore. Well, maybe I did feel it earlier this semester, but I just kinda shrugged it out cos I was scared to face the reality.
Things have moved in a fast faced motion that I barely grasped what the hell happened to everybody. Yes, I heard that this one whole picture that I dearly hold nearly close to me has long ago been torn into pieces, but I was trapped in that phase of self-denial and betted myself that I can still sew everything together. I thought I can make it happen. I was wrong.
When I came back, I heard that our whole group is already broken into pieces as everyone has started sticking onto their own cliques. I know it usually happen in big groups..but I wasn't expecting it to happen too soon. The whole group is now divided into 3 sub groups, and in these subgroups, I have at least one person or two whom I am really fond of. It's so hard not having everything into one place and I found myself jumping through one another time after time.
I believe that everyone diverted apart because of unreconcilable differences and it somehow kinda still makes me sad. The thing with me, I enjoy being in a company of a huge but diverse group. It's like being in a buffet. I like putting different kinds of foods onto my platter. Now every group I run into is so homogenous that I feel like there must be something missing and then I go missing somebody outside that clique.
Somehow I feel like I also contributed to this problem as I unconsciously created my little own clique ever since I started spending more time with my boyfriend who was going into BMT. I mean, at the start of the semester, we already knew that he will be leaving soon so I very much willingly chose to spend my time with him. Since he basically filled up my socialization quota for the most part of this semester, I thought I was missing nothing, besides I still did hang out with my friends every once in a while. Or I thought I did.
When my boyfriend left for the military, I desperately crumbled going back to my old lifestyle of being surrounded with friends. I wanted to hang out with them again, but now they are gone. It actually hurt me when one of my friend jokingly, or not, told me that now I'm hanging out with them again. I know it is unfair for them for me to just seek them now...but I'm hurt at the fact that they can't be there for me when I'm feeling all alone and lonely.
I wish I did not file a leave of absence from my job for the month of May (I told them I could still work till the end of this month but they let me go a week early), because right now I feel like I have so much free time in my hands. After being in a hot mess for 3 three days since bf has been gone, I mustered my courage and stood up with my head held up high. I went back to my old life of being independent and started spending my personal time for meaningful activities. I went back going to the gym, doing zumba, and meeting a lot of new people.
If there is one thing that I would pray for, it is for me to find another circle of friends that I would be hanging with for the next two years in this school, preferably my fellow students in the program, and/or a big diverse group that I really get along with. I just want to start a new and find people who will be there for me. Although, I will make sure to keep those people who still stayed with me and checked me if I'm okay during these times. There are only a handful of them, but at least I know who my real friends are.
It's amazing how much can change within a year. Even though I am still here standing, here at the exact place where I once stood a year ago, every little thing around me definitely has changed. The people and the environment; all of these are not the same anymore. Funny how long it took me before I realized that the pieces do not fit anymore. Well, maybe I did feel it earlier this semester, but I just kinda shrugged it out cos I was scared to face the reality.
Things have moved in a fast faced motion that I barely grasped what the hell happened to everybody. Yes, I heard that this one whole picture that I dearly hold nearly close to me has long ago been torn into pieces, but I was trapped in that phase of self-denial and betted myself that I can still sew everything together. I thought I can make it happen. I was wrong.
When I came back, I heard that our whole group is already broken into pieces as everyone has started sticking onto their own cliques. I know it usually happen in big groups..but I wasn't expecting it to happen too soon. The whole group is now divided into 3 sub groups, and in these subgroups, I have at least one person or two whom I am really fond of. It's so hard not having everything into one place and I found myself jumping through one another time after time.
I believe that everyone diverted apart because of unreconcilable differences and it somehow kinda still makes me sad. The thing with me, I enjoy being in a company of a huge but diverse group. It's like being in a buffet. I like putting different kinds of foods onto my platter. Now every group I run into is so homogenous that I feel like there must be something missing and then I go missing somebody outside that clique.
Somehow I feel like I also contributed to this problem as I unconsciously created my little own clique ever since I started spending more time with my boyfriend who was going into BMT. I mean, at the start of the semester, we already knew that he will be leaving soon so I very much willingly chose to spend my time with him. Since he basically filled up my socialization quota for the most part of this semester, I thought I was missing nothing, besides I still did hang out with my friends every once in a while. Or I thought I did.
When my boyfriend left for the military, I desperately crumbled going back to my old lifestyle of being surrounded with friends. I wanted to hang out with them again, but now they are gone. It actually hurt me when one of my friend jokingly, or not, told me that now I'm hanging out with them again. I know it is unfair for them for me to just seek them now...but I'm hurt at the fact that they can't be there for me when I'm feeling all alone and lonely.
I wish I did not file a leave of absence from my job for the month of May (I told them I could still work till the end of this month but they let me go a week early), because right now I feel like I have so much free time in my hands. After being in a hot mess for 3 three days since bf has been gone, I mustered my courage and stood up with my head held up high. I went back to my old life of being independent and started spending my personal time for meaningful activities. I went back going to the gym, doing zumba, and meeting a lot of new people.
If there is one thing that I would pray for, it is for me to find another circle of friends that I would be hanging with for the next two years in this school, preferably my fellow students in the program, and/or a big diverse group that I really get along with. I just want to start a new and find people who will be there for me. Although, I will make sure to keep those people who still stayed with me and checked me if I'm okay during these times. There are only a handful of them, but at least I know who my real friends are.
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