Exes

Posted by lei on September 5, 2014.
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I am one of those firm believers that once two people have broken up, they should go on their separate paths without looking back. The phrase "I hope we'd still be friends" after any break ups shouldn't be taken seriously because after all, it's just a mere example of classic pep talk. It doesn't mean that these exes should spend hours and hours talking and updating each other's lives, but rather "we're good if I happen to bump on you on the street, and maybe ask whether your annoying cat is still alive." There is no reason to purposely message each other, or call each other, just to catch up every week, every 2 weeks, or every month. Most especially, on the day of their previous anniversary. There is nothing to catch up on, or look back. I cannot emphasize enough how they should give respect to the person they're currently in a relationship with.

Honestly, I used not to care about exes. They are exes for a reason. However, I'm making a huge exception on this one because there is more into this story. This dummy took such a long time in order to move on with her, and honestly, there are some instances that I feel nothing but a rebound. I hate how this guy pursued me when he clearly hasn't completely moved on yet (despite his denial) at that time he met me. We were both each other's life surprise.

Given this complicated situation we are in, it is only fitting that this guy should make me feel secure by compromising with me. I know cutting ties with a really good friend is hard, but he is in a relationship right now that he should be prioritizing. I would feel better if he lessens the frequency of their conversations. Also, fucking stop talking about her. I don't care that they used to eat a lot of sushi or she stupidly ate a scoop of wasabi thinking it was an avocado. I'm not comfortable hearing her name or stories about her. This guy should learn how to become sensitive and stop pushing people into their limits. It's dumb and emotionally irresponsible.


Both of us should take care of each other's core needs, make necessary adjustments, and meet halfway or a middle ground. He can't just expect me to trust him when I don't see that he's making an effort so I would feel secure regarding this fucking ex-girlfriend matter. I've been sliding this off for too long now and it's taking a toll on me already. Don't get me wrong; he is such a sweet guy. He tells me he loves me, buy me cute things, and sends me flowers despite 1443 miles distance between us. But I just don't truly understand the need to catch up with an ex-girlfriend no matter how good friends they used to be. There should be a boundary drawn that should be followed so nobody would get hurt, especially the ones these people are currently in a relationship with.

Again, this is not just a matter of teenager jealousy. I've seen things that no current girlfriend should have seen but I've been making an exception because I love this guy but he is unfortunately a dummy. I honestly shouldn't be feeling this insecure about a relationship. Nobody does.



Reasons Why This Relationship Is Special

Posted by lei on August 3, 2014. Filed under:
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No relationship is perfect. If it is, then it is "not one of life," as my boyfriend would say. During those never ending overly corny note exchanges between me and him, there was a point where he once described our relationship as real because it has ups and downs. This guy with a nice set of abs even told me that he's glad that our relationship isn't all just about being mushy and lovey dove like how I wanted it to be. What a jerk, or so I thought, wanting us to be in trouble most of the time.

But he is right. The only relationship with no problems is the one regarding puppy love, or crushes with mutual understanding with each other. Sometimes I wish I could go back in that time when relationships are like that ---no headaches, no heartaches, no problem, but sadly also no reason for growth. It's like eating junk food: it is spoiling your taste buds with bursting amazing flavors that keep you salivating for more, but you get no nutrients in return.

However, I would like to minimize the down times as much as possible, honestly. It's not good for the heart nor for my eyes, nor my calorie budget allocated for extra pints of Ben & Jerry's or Talenti.

If I were to describe our relationship, I would say it's like riding in a roller coaster. Heck, it's worse than having Premenstrual Syndrome with nasty mood swings taking over all over the place. You are not you anymore; you are now possessed by a crazy menopausal old lady who owns 12 cats, unable to manage intense humanly feelings and attention given by another equally crazy and grumpy widowed old man living across the street. You feel the differences in your personalities and how each one accepts and shows love, misunderstandings are lurking from the ground waiting to be unearthed, and classic relationship problems are smirking directly at you waiting for you to take wrong steps to finally fall in the black deep pit.

Sometimes, it is actually tiring and makes me feel like giving up when I have reached certain threshold in what I call "The Bullshit-parameter," a topic that I will be discussing next time.

Now, given all the troubles and headaches, why exactly do I consider this relationship special? The answer is really simple: within the end phase of an argument, after all have been said and done, one of us still manage to crack a joke while the another laugh at it. 

There is this mystical thing that somehow momentarily cools our heads off. It is not really a long span of time, but it's enough to for me to contemplate whether I would actually let the relationship go downhill just because of some stupid misunderstanding that can be fixed through compromising. Those couple of seconds are enough for me to actually step back and consider his point of view in order to see the whole picture. Sometimes, I get too caught up in myself and doing all these complaining and self-insisted monologues during an argument that I forgot to actually hear where he is coming from. I am not sure whether he is using those light-hearted breaks to do the same as well, however.

When I received his last message last night, that's when it occurred to me how he could still say the words "I love you" and remind me about his feelings, despite me and him arguing for more than a whole day, and giving him awful headaches throughout the day. I just cannot help but to fall for him even more whenever he does that and respect him for being an awesome boyfriend.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that he was right at doing those things that got us into a deep shit-hole of arguments, but I applaud him at the fact that, at the end of the day, he still remembers that he loves me despite all of those cat-and-dog fighting that we did. This gesture is special enough for me, because it means that he values our relationship and tries to keep it intact especially in times of having shaky grounds.

Also, whenever I'm upset and having issues, he makes sure to call me and talk to me about things no matter what time it is and no matter how long it would take. We were arguing since in the wee hours of the night till half of the following day. He is that guy who would sit down and talk to you face to face until you guys have heard both sides and until you guys have reached to a solution. Until then, he would be patiently argue with you and knock some sense in your head, the same way you knock some sense in his head as well.

 He got my respect on this one because when I met him, I know that he's used to applying "time-out" strategies and come back after cooling off. I, on the other hand, is not like that. If I walk out in the middle of the heat of an argument, I will sort out my own thing, but when I come back to you, I wont be arguing anymore. Once I slide the issue off however, it will keep piling at the back of my head then pull everything up when I encounter a precursor that triggers me to remember it. I can only slide the issue so many times. After that, I'm fiercer and definitely not up for any compromises but only ultimatums. I'd rather fix everything now then completely forgive and forget, than to momentarily forget without forgiveness. Remember, a dormant disease fights you back more horribly.

Honestly, being in a relationship is a very complicated thing. You hate the person so much then love them after that. It's like you want them to throw them at the cliff, only to come rushing at the bottom to catch them afterwards.


Everything Has Changed

Posted by lei on April 25, 2014. Filed under: ,
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Change.

It's amazing how much can change within a year. Even though I am still here standing, here at the exact place where I once stood a year ago, every little thing around me definitely has changed. The people and the environment; all of these are not the same anymore. Funny how long it took me before I realized that the pieces do not fit anymore. Well, maybe I did feel it earlier this semester, but I just kinda shrugged it out cos I was scared to face the reality.

Things have moved in a fast faced motion that I barely grasped what the hell happened to everybody. Yes, I heard that this one whole picture that I dearly hold nearly close to me has long ago been torn into pieces, but I was trapped in that phase of self-denial and betted myself that I can still sew everything together. I thought I can make it happen. I was wrong.

When I came back, I heard that our whole group is already broken into pieces as everyone has started sticking onto their own cliques. I know it usually happen in big groups..but I wasn't expecting it to happen too soon. The whole group is now divided into 3 sub groups, and in these subgroups, I have at least one person or two whom I am really fond of. It's so hard not having everything into one place and I found myself jumping through one another time after time.

I believe that everyone diverted apart because of unreconcilable differences and it somehow kinda still makes me sad. The thing with me, I enjoy being in a company of a huge but diverse group. It's like being in a buffet. I like putting different kinds of foods onto my platter. Now every group I run into is so homogenous that I feel like there must be something missing and then I go missing somebody outside that clique.

Somehow I feel like I also contributed to this problem as I unconsciously created my little own clique ever since I started spending more time with my boyfriend who was going into BMT. I mean, at the start of the semester, we already knew that he will be leaving soon so I very much willingly chose to spend my time with him. Since he basically filled up my socialization quota for the most part of this semester, I thought I was missing nothing, besides I still did hang out with my friends every once in a while. Or I thought I did.

When my boyfriend left for the military, I desperately crumbled going back to my old lifestyle of being surrounded with friends. I wanted to hang out with them again, but now they are gone. It actually hurt me when one of my friend jokingly, or not, told me that now I'm hanging out with them again. I know it is unfair for them for me to just seek them now...but I'm hurt at the fact that they can't be there for me when I'm feeling all alone and lonely.

I wish I did not file a leave of absence from my job for the month of May (I told them I could still work till the end of this month but they let me go a week early), because right now I feel like I have so much free time in my hands. After being in a hot mess for 3 three days since bf has been gone, I mustered my courage and stood up with my head held up high. I went back to my old life of being independent and started spending my personal time for meaningful activities. I went back going to the gym, doing zumba, and meeting a lot of new people.

If there is one thing that I would pray for, it is for me to find another circle of friends that I would be hanging with for the next two years in this school, preferably my fellow students in the program, and/or a big diverse group that I really get along with. I just want to start a new and find people who will be there for me. Although, I will make sure to keep those people who still stayed with me and checked me if I'm okay during these times. There are only a handful of them, but at least I know who my real friends are.

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